Not Speaking Can Be Worse Than Saying Too Much May 31, 2012

Today is a much better day to post this one. Mostly because I’ve had a full night to sleep on the issue and really examine what’s going on.

Here’s the thing. Some people have chronic foot-in-mouth-disease, but I have just the opposite. Or rather, I perceive that I have it, which turns into me saying nothing, and therefore, not having foot-in-mouth, but something else that is yet to be named. It’s not always what I say that causes problems, but what I don’t say. What I leave to the imagination, or what I simply omit from conversation.

When I was growing up, people frequently told me that I was stuck-up or that I belittled others, simply because I didn’t say much. People assumed I thought I was better than them because I was quiet. I’d make little faces in response to the conversation, but didn’t say much of anything. So they thought I was prideful. On the contrary, it was because of my fear of saying the wrong thing–putting myself in a submissive role, beneath my friends–that I didn’t say anything. And it produced exactly the opposite effect of what I was truly intending.

I thought of this because recently I posted something on Facebook. It was an article that was quite heated and I did not even agree with it. But I posted it with the thinking that it would make for interesting conversation. Unfortunately, I didn’t include any disclaimers, and my friends thought that I actually agreed with it, and were quite offended by it. Why didn’t I say anything? The answer is threefold: 1) I was afraid of saying the wrong thing and/or being misunderstood in my opinion, 2) I honestly didn’t know what to say about it, as it was a multifaceted subject with many viewpoints and “however”s, and 3) I was distracted, was doing too many things at once, and just plum forgot the importance of disclaimers on controversial articles being posted on Facebook.

It’s not the first time it’s happened, either. I’m sure I’ve had the same conversation with people when I’ve posted other things. And those were even more benign and “common sense” than the most recent one. One in particular even led to someone defriending me.

And so with this realization that I should have said something so as not to look like a total jerk, I then become frustrated, self-depreciating, and distracted the rest of the day, regretting what I’ve already said–er, not said–and wishing I could change it all and prove that I’m not that ignorant or mean.

So what’s my problem? Why can’t I just say something? This reluctance to say anything is detrimental in so many ways. It’s causing confusion and hurt in my friends. It hurts my credibility and likeability as a doula. It lessens my perceived character and ruins whatever’s left of others’ trust in my discernment.

This isn’t just an annoyance or an odd little quirk. It’s much more than just people thinking I’m arrogant. It’s making them think I’m a judgmental kook with nothing better to do than rant about the evils of medicine. It’s the kind of thing that drives people away. I could lose friends over this. Heck, I have lost friends over things like this.

So why is it so hard? Why can’t I just say a little “Hmm, this was an interesting perspective. I don’t fully agree with it, but I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.” ? Why can’t I say that? It’s neutral, benign, and removing my own sentiments from that of the author. Was that really so difficult?

No, it wasn’t difficult in the slightest. But in that moment, my desire to not say anything that might offend is so strong that I find myself frozen, and can’t say anything at all.

I have no answers here, and no conclusion. This is a process and something I will have to work on in the weeks, months, years to come. At some point I’m sure I’ll get over it. But as I said, it’ll take time for me to work on it.

 

What about you? Do you find yourself putting your foot in your mouth, or not saying anything at all? Do others perceive your quietude–or your loudness–as something other than what it is? How can we all work to change those things in ourselves so that we are better understood?

The final piece of the puzzle May 12, 2012

Through my journey to holistic living, I have mastered a number of things that now qualify me as being “crunchy.” I have breastfed for 37 months (between two children) and it was never very difficult for me–it came, well, naturally. I can cloth diaper with the best of them, and even went so far as to develop a washing system for using cloth diapers in an apartment (although I must confess that in the last few very busy months, we have integrated [eco-friendly and chlorine-free] disposable diapers quite a bit, though we do try to use cloth when we are at home and not running around). I buy mostly organic and have cut out gluten. If we had a yard, I would most likely garden, and maybe even have some chickens (if the hubs would get on board with it!). We have stopped vaccinating our children (here’s why), and if we have a boy, we will not circumcise him unless medically indicated (but that’s extremely rare, if it’s cared for properly). I wore my babies until they didn’t want to anymore–and still wear my toddler on occasion–and I “stay at home” most of the time, though I would hardly call library trips, walks to the park, and playdates “staying” at home. I birth naturally like a pro–posterior, in the caul, in the water, at home! I could echo almost any of the things in these two videos: One  Two

All in all, you could say I’m really very crunchy. All-natural. Holistic. A hippie. Take your pick. Maybe some would even venture to say “crazy” or “extreme”. I’ll just stick with crunchy. Even though I don’t eat granola (it has gluten!). I’ll pretend the “crunch” for me is kale chips. Mmmm… Kale chips…

What was I saying?

Oh yes. I’m very crunchy. So much so that I’ve had friends practically just walk right out of my life because of the choices I’ve made. They’ve told me I’m ignorant, crazy, unrealistic, and accused me of following the latest trend. Well, last I checked, mamas have been breastfeeding and wearing their babies for at least the last 6,000 years (yes, I’m a creationist, too–don’t shoot me), so I’m pretty sure it’s not just a “new trend”…

I’m getting off track again.

The point of this post is to say that while I’ve come to master many things in the natural world, there is still one piece of the puzzle that eludes me. And not because I disagree, or because I don’t understand it (ok, well, maybe a little), but because I can’t get over myself enough to accomplish it. What is it? It has a few names, but my favorite, I think, is “grace-based discipline”. And no, it’s not my favorite just because my name is Grace. It conveys a certain level of empathy while still setting boundaries and leading your child to be a graceful person. Which, I think, is truly the ultimate goal. To be full of grace–full of undeserved favor. Mercy towards others, humility, and a willingness to both forgive and move forward in times of adversity. Despite my name, I have not always been “full of grace”. At times it is quite the opposite.

Leah is a very trying child. From the start, she has always been just a teensy bit… difficult. She didn’t sleep much as an infant–even as a newborn–and was sick, fussy, and all around moody quite frequently. Much of this went away when we stopped vaccinating her (mostly the “sick” part), but still she retains a certain amount of stubborn defiance. In some cases, such a disposition is wonderful. Where would we be if people like our American forefathers, those who fought for racial equality, and hey–even Jesus Himself–if these people were not stubborn in some way? There is a measure of firm indomitably that is required of people who make change. People like that are admired in history. But I’ll bet their parents were pulling their hair out.

One example: Leah is required to clean up her room at the end of the day. On days when we’re not in the house much, there isn’t a very big mess at all. Only what they did in the hour that it took for me to make dinner. Like today. But even if there are only a few small toys on the floor, she will absolutely refuse to pick them up. Even though that’s what we do every single night. And she knows it will be required of her; she’s talked about it at other times. Still, she refuses. Tells me “no” outright, ignores me and continues to play with the toys, or throws herself on the floor very dramatically while kicking her legs, swinging her arms, and screaming like someone is beating her. Just to be clear, I’m not beating her. Though it is tempting, I’ll admit.

In those times, I speak to her firmly in a low, calm voice, and repeat it multiple times. But at some point during the interchange, the weight of the day, Anna’s pterodactyl screeches–while I’m attempting to change her diaper–and the frustration of dealing with this same situation again just gets to me. I snap at her, she gets even more mad, and before you know it, I’m yelling, she’s crying, and we all just want to curl in a ball and cry. It’s exhausting, and nothing seems to change anything. She’s in a routine and she expects to clean her room every night; we’ve tried time-outs, but she actually asks for them and uses them to avoid cleaning her room; taking away her toys worked for a while, but not so much anymore. Call me a nerd, but a quote from one of my favorite shows is coming to mind: “I am out of carrots. I am out of sticks. [Leah] has time and again proven [her]self to be an unmanageable employee.”

I just can’t seem to get through to her, and I lose it sometimes. It’s frustrating. And it’s a little disappointing to know that there’s still this one area in which I am totally lacking. I get angry at her, then I’m angry with me for being angry with her. I know, don’t feel guilty, we’ve all been there, blah blah blah… But really, I’m not sure how to handle this anymore. I can’t seem to find anything that will teach her, set boundaries for her, instill trust [of me] and obedience in her, and that isn’t using controlling or oppressive methods. I want her to obey because a) she trusts me, and b) it’s the right thing to do. I don’t want her to obey out of fear of punishment, or because I’ve broken her. I want her to be strong and confident, but doing the right thing, even when she doesn’t want to do it. I want her to be better than me.

How to proceed? I’m not sure. But putting this all in perspective has helped me to focus my steps in the right direction. One day at a time, right? That’s what they say, anyhow. Must be true because I read it on the internet. *wink*

Brenna’s Lactation Boosting Cookie Recipe May 8, 2012

This recipe was passed on to me by a wonderful breastfeeding advocate friend of mine. She has made these cookies for many women and has had great success in helping them to keep up their milk supply. I am hoping to create a gluten-free version of this cookie, but I need to confer with my baker friends first. In the mean time, here’s the recipe:

Lactation Boosting Oatmeal, Chocolate Chip & Flaxseed cookies

Ingredients :

* 1 cup butter or margarine
* 1 cup brown sugar
* 1/2 cup white sugar
* 4 tablespoons water
* 2 tablespoons flaxseed meal*
* 2 large eggs
* 1 teaspoon vanilla
* 2 cups flour (if using whole wheat cut down to 1 1/2 cups)
* 1 teaspoon baking soda
* 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
* 1 teaspoon salt
* 3 cups oats, thick cut if you can get them
* 1 cup or more chocolate chips
* 2 tablespoons of brewers yeast* (be generous)

Directions:

Preheat oven at 375 degrees F. Mix together 2 tablespoons of flaxseed meal and water, set aside for 3-5 minutes. Cream (beat well) butter/margarine and sugar. Add eggs one at a time, mix well. Stir flaxseed
mixture and add with vanilla to the margarine mix. Beat until blended. Whisk together dry ingredients, except oats and chips. Add to butter/margarine mixture. Stir in oats then chips. Scoop or drop onto
baking sheet.

Bake 8-12 minutes, depending on size of cookies.

Serves: 6 dozen cookies

Preparation time: 15 minutes; Bake time: 8-12 minutes; Total time: 23-27 minutes

*can be found at any local health food store.
*NOTE* IT MUST BE BREWERS YEAST, NO SUBSTITUTIONS.

Additional note: You can lower the amount of oatmeal you put in according to your personal taste.

Here are a few more resources for boosting milk supply:

Mother Food  This book was written by a wonderful friend of mine, a local breastfeeding expert.

And here is her website: www.mother-food.com

The Breastfeeding Mother’s Guide to Making More Milk

The Ultimate Breastfeeding Book of Answers

Dr. Jack Newman’s Guide to Breastfeeding

Additionally, while I am NOT a Lactation Consultant, I have been educated in Basic Lactation through my Doula training course. I am willing to assist you personally if you have specific breastfeeding questions. And if I don’t have the answer, I can refer you to a friend of mine who IS a Lactation Educator/Consultant.

Happy nursing!

Online Communities: Sanity-Saver, or Detriment to Society? May 7, 2012

Just so you know, this post will be completely made up of my own personal experience and opinions and will not attempt to “prove” anything. So please don’t get mad when I don’t use references, studies, etc.

Over the years, I have belonged to a few different online communities. It started when I was very young, going into “Christian Chat” on Netscape Navigator–or was it NetZero?–one of those mid-to-late-90′s dial up providers. Anyhow, I evolved from there to join message boards, which seemed [key word, there] to have more thoughtful, philosophic, deep conversations. While a conversation starter on a chat room usually consisted of “a/s/l?”, on a message board it might be, “What is the eschatological significance of the Gulf War?” So it seemed to be more mature, more sophisticated. But while the author of such a post might have been attempting to start a deep philosophical and theological discussion, those posts are inevitably met with about a dozen pages of responses, the later of which tend to be along the lines of, “The logical fallacies in this conversation are making me queasy *vomitface* Would you please refrain from being so stupid and actually use some unbiased sources?!?!!?!?!!??!??E#%”. Obviously the same people who spent their time asking “a/s/l?” at thirteen years old are now thirty and have not matured one bit. They just use bigger words. 

However, I must admit that I am still part of at least one message board, and it has been quite helpful to me. I am able to receive various opinions in a relatively short length of time; I can “vent” my frustrations, thus saving those around me from taking the brunt; and I have made friends. Real friends. Friends who have shown me unabashed kindness and generosity. While in the midst of a very stressful time of financial hardship and working through postpartum depression, one group online friends treated me to a spa treatment, bought me a double stroller, and sent me money. I am so blessed to have friends like that, and I’m only sad that I’m not able to repay them (yet). They were a life-saver when I was battling depression, and they are still a blessing to me, though some have left the group, and the dynamic has changed some.

And while I do have friends “in real life”, it’s more challenging to connect with them in person. It’s so much easier to drop a single line on someone’s Facebook status than it is to call, hope they aren’t too busy to talk, then chat for a few minutes before a child needs one of us, and then have to go. And you can “host” conversations about a current event with different people from different eras and stages of your life. I can post an article that I found interesting, and my cousin in Colorado, friend in Arizona, former college roommate in Europe, and mommy-friend from down the street, can all have a conversation about it. Isn’t that amazing?

But it’s also troublesome. You see, my cousin from Colorado is Catholic, my friend in Arizona is agnostic, my former college roommate is Protestant/Evangelical, and my mommy-friend from down the street is Unitarian. So while they may be able to engage in a friendly, non-debating conversation about how horrible Monsanto is, or how cute that baby was in the video clip, it may be more challenging to have a pleasant conversation if I post something religious, conservative, or even remotely controversial. Even within the same religions, there is a variety of beliefs, political stances, and convictions. Not to mention the vast differences between my “mainstream” friends and my “hippie/crunchy” friends, especially when I mention vaccines, circumcision, or attachment parenting. There were some conversations on Facebook I had to walk away from, and even a couple I had to delete, because people were name-calling, insulting, and just plain mean. And then everyone is left wondering, “Grace is friends with that person??? But she’s so nice…”

So here is where I am left asking myself, “Is it worth it?”

A friend of mine recently left our message board community because she was tired of fighting an uphill battle against rudeness and hypocrisy. And I totally understand why she did it. I’ve been tempted myself to just walk away. But I can’t bring myself to do it, because I know there are some people I hold dear in my life that I would not connect with anymore if I left that board. And maybe I could get their email, phone number, or some other form of communication, but let’s be honest, here. It’s hard enough finding the time to break away from life long enough to write this post; it’s highly unlikely that I will stay in regular contact with someone who is not already involved in one of the online communities I frequent.

So for now, I will end here, as I have yet to find the answer to my own question. And since the girls are sleeping, I’d love to take advantage of this quiet time to take a little nap myself. I hope this at least raised some questions in your mind, and I’d love to hear your opinions on the subject.

What do you think? Are online communities a means of saving sanity and providing community for busy individuals? Or are they a breeding ground for rudeness, bullies, and arrogant jerks? Or something else altogether?

How to do cloth diapers in an apartment January 14, 2012

While washing my diapers today, I thought, “You know, not many moms would be willing to do cloth in an apartment, and those who are willing may not know how to make it work…” And so I decided I should post about doing cloth in an apartment. Now, chances are, if I had not already made the investment of cloth diapers, I probably would not have been so adamant about using cloth in our apartment. But since I already had somewhere around 60 diapers on hand… why waste all of that for the sake of ease?

If you are not already familiar with the ins and outs of washing cloth, you may feel slightly intimidated by my regimen–I mean, er, routine! Yes, routine… Please do not feel overwhelmed. There are a lot of little steps, but many of those can be adjusted to your resources and maybe you’ll find something that works better for you. I’m simply sharing what has worked best for me.

As background, I’ll share just a snippet of what my pre-apartment laundry situation was like. I began cloth diapering while living in a 4-bedroom house with a large washer and dryer in its own laundry room, just outside the kitchen door. It had a utility sink–perfect for rinsing diapers–and it was ideal for a cloth diapering mama. Then we moved to a 3-bedroom house with the laundry right inside the kitchen/dining area, making the location extremely convenient. No utility sink, but I made do, rinsing the poopies in the toilet and letting the washer do the rest. Then it was another 3-bedroom, with a neat little triangle of bedroom, bathroom, and laundry room, all within 5 steps of each other–perfect! Oh, so perfect! Still, no utility sink, but it was at this point I began using liners (p.s. I found out the hard way that even if they flush, that doesn’t mean they won’t back up your whole system… so I tossed the poo in the toilet and the liners in the trash!).

Now we move to an apartment that does have laundry facilities, but alas, it’s $1.25 to wash, and $1.25 to dry. That’s $2.50 every load. They are economy size machines, but when you must wash the diapers every other day (whether you are going to run out of clean dipes or not, you don’t want to leave dirty ones sitting much longer than 2 days), that can get pricey! It would completely defeat the purpose of using cloth to save money. So, what to do?

(Yes, here is where we get to the nitty-gritty!)

I purchased a hand-crank mini-washer. Why hand crank? To save money on electricity, of course! And to pretend I’m actually getting a workout… But mostly because of the electric bill. This little guy can hold about two days of diapers for one baby. Or, 1.5 days of baby diapers and panties from potty training. You do have to assemble it yourself, but that is only temporary.

You want to set up the washer either on the counter next to the sink, situated so the downspout will pour into the sink, or you can put it in the bathroom tub. I originally had mine in the tub, but I got tired of taking it out and putting it back in every time someone took a bath or shower, so I put it on the counter, and I like it better there. But however it works better in your individual bathroom is just fine. You’ll figure it out, I’m sure!

Let me now walk you through my routine:

1) After baby’s diaper is changed, I take the dirty one to the bathroom. If there is time, I’ll rinse it right away and put it in the washer. If not, I will shake off any poop (if applicable), pull out the inserts (I use pockets) and drop it in a little pail I keep next to the toilet.

2) To rinse, I simply use the bathroom sink for pee-only diapers, and the toilet for poopies. After the solids are off, I rinse the poopies again in the sink. This sounds much more time consuming than it is; it’s very quick, I promise. After rinsing with cold water (must be cold to prevent staining!), I spray with a little concoction I made up myself: 1/2 cup Biokleen Bac-Out, 1/4 cup vinegar, 1/4 cup hydrogen peroxide, few drops lavender, few drops tea tree oil; add water till the total volume is one quart (32 oz/4 cups). I keep it in a spray bottle by the sink, and I give each insert and cover a quick spritz before dropping it into the washer.

3) The washer doubles as a wet pail or soak. For those unfamiliar with the terms, a wet pail or soak is what some moms use to prevent stinkies. Ammonia can build up over time if diapers are left in a dry pail and it can stink. But keeping the diapers in water can help dilute the ammonia and keep it cleaner all around. To soak, I add 3 quarts of cold water with just a teaspoon of Rockin Green Funk Rock mixed into the water. This is all in the washer, where I put the diapers after I rinse.

4) Yay! Washing day! Ok, so when the washer is almost full (you don’t want to actually fill it–it won’t work as well if it’s too full), you know it’s time to wash. The first step in washing, after all the rinsing is done, is adding more water.

This step would be the equivalent of a pre-wash cycle in a standard washer.

Mix about 1/8 to 1/4 cup (I don’t use exact measurements) of hydrogen peroxide into a quart of COLD water. I may also add some Dr. Bronner’s Baby Mild soap (just a single drop) if I happen to feel like the diapers need a little extra clean, but not always. Add three more quarts of cold water after that (total of 4 quarts, in addition to the original 3 quarts we were soaking in). Close the washer and crank for 90 seconds (that’s a minute and a half). Crank at about 1 turn per second. When time is up, put on the downspout and let it drain for a few minutes.

When it drains, you want it to get out as much of the water as possible, so let it be for a few minutes. I usually use this time to do some other small chores, or check on my girls and make sure they haven’t killed each other yet…

5) Hot wash with detergent!

This would be the equivalent to the main wash cycle of a standard washer.

Get your water piping hot. To the first quart, add 1/2 tablespoon detergent–OR use about half of what you would use for cloth diapers in an HE washer. Sometimes I also add a drop or two of lavender or tea tree oil, especially if the diapers stink, if they’ve been sitting a while, or if baby is a little yeasty. These are great natural antiseptics/antibacterials and quite frankly, just smell yummy! Fill 5 more quarts of hot water, for a total of 6 quarts. Crank for 1.5 minutes (90 seconds) at 1 crank per second. Let drain as before.

6) Hot rinse!

This is equivalent to the first rinse cycle of a standard washer.

Mix 1/4 cup distilled white vinegar into the first quart of hot water. Vinegar has antibacterial properties, eliminates odor, acts as a natural fabric softener, and will ensure that no soap residue is left on the diapers. Add another 5 quarts of hot water for a total of 6 quarts. Crank for 90 seconds at 1 crank per second. Let drain as before.

7) Cold rinse!

This is equivalent to the final rinse of a standard washer.

Fill 6 quarts of cold water. Crank for 1.5 minutes (90 seconds) at 1 crank per second. Let drain as before.

8) Wring and hang! I have a wooden drying rack that lives in my bathroom. I wring out each diaper before hanging it on the rack. I hang panties and plastic pants with clothespins, but everything else just gets hung over the dowel. It takes about 1.5 to 2 days to dry, so I usually need to wash just as the other ones are getting dry, so it works out just fine with timing.

And you’re done!

Final Tips:

• On occasion, if there is a stubborn stain, I will simply add the diaper/panties to our regular clothes, which we wash at my mother in law’s house. I also do that regularly with the prefold diapers, as they tend to get a little stiff, even with using vinegar–they tend to need a tumble/heated dry to be truly soft on baby’s bum.
• We use disposables at night, and sometimes when we go out. This cuts down on how many cloth diapers we use in a day, but it’s not so much that it’s very expensive to supplement. And yes, I do have days where I just don’t want to use cloth, and I only use disposables. That’s why I always keep a pack on hand… But we really do use mostly cloth.
• Cloth diapering is highly individualized and can vary from person to person. Each parent will discover their own “favorite” way to do cloth; my tips here are just to give some of you hope that it is possible to use cloth in an apartment, and also to give you somewhere to start. Maybe my routine doesn’t work for you–tweak it until you find what works! The important thing is that you know it can be done!

How being a Doula has helped me to be a better mother November 30, 2011

I just attended a birth last night, and upon my return home at 7:15am, I ate a quick breakfast and slipped into bed next to my 17 month old daughter and my husband. She nursed for a good half-hour, surely making up for the nighttime nursing she missed out on last night. I was, in a word, euphoric. My bed was warm, my daughter was cuddly and nursing, and I had just witnessed–and even played a part in–an incredibly beautiful home birth.

So other than the endorphin-endorsed euphoria leading me to be a happy mama, how does being a doula make me a better mommy?

1) I appreciate my time. Spending an evening away from my little ones–even though they were sleeping most of the time I was gone–caused me to appreciate the time I do have with them. I think this is one aspect that working moms (WOHMs) “get” more than stay-at-home moms (SAHMs). WOHMs understand that time is precious, as are their children. They make the most of their time with their children because they only have so many hours in a day that they spend with them. Now, before you start getting all upset and tell me how SAHMs can do the same thing, I just want to clarify that I’m definitely in favor of SAHMs. My doula work is extremely part-time (I’ve had two births in the past three months), and it does bring in some much-needed income. But I digress. My point is, WOHMs can be more likely to appreciate their time with the kids more acutely than the moms who are with their kids 24/7. It’s just a simple fact of human nature. That being said, every time I come home from a birth, I immediately want to cuddle my kids and spend the whole day with them, just playing, cuddling, and enjoying them. I suppose the question should be why I don’t feel that way on a regular basis, but I think that’s a question better left for another day (though I think it goes back to “human nature”).

Wow, I’m being much more wordy than I intended. Must be the lack of sleep. On with the next one…

2) It brings back memories. Watching a strong mama in the throes of labor, in her own world and just wanting to bring baby a little closer, all reminded me of my births. I remember trying to get labor going with Leah, floating in the tub with Anna, and with both, wandering off into “Labor Land” and losing myself in the process of bringing my baby into the world. I’ll admit, I choked up and nearly cried when the baby was born last night. She had worked so hard to meet her baby, and remembering those moments directly after birth–the first time I saw their faces, the first time they latched on, the first cuddle–it was truly moving. And remembering that special time is important… Especially when potty training my three-year-old, or enduring the awful pterodactyl-screech coming from my one-year-old.

3) It makes me patient. Watching a mama labor for eight hours certainly makes you patient. [I know there are birth professionals who sit through much longer labors, but I'm mostly reflecting on this most recent birth, so that is why I'm using the example of eight hours.] After practicing patience by sitting by mama, massaging, talking her through contractions, leaning over a birth tub in awkward positions, and holding the throw-up bowl… I am able to be more patient with my girls. Patience is simply something that needs to be practiced. And you do get better the more you practice, even if specific events vary. For instance, being patient with sitting for hours with an anxious, weary mama is far different than being patient with my daughter who doesn’t want to put her shoes on. Totally different circumstances, but patience was required in both instances, and I build patience with each one.

4) It helps me watch my words. When you’re in the midst of helping a mama through labor, you are very careful about your words. Things you say about the labor (for example, “She’s only at five centimeters!”) can damage the labor process by introducing doubt and discouragement in the mama’s mind. You also need to keep a quiet, calm tone, even if you’re concerned about something (concerns may be anything from fetal heart tones to mama’s bleeding to a lack of change/progress). I find that my children listen better when I speak in a low, calm tone. Yet in day-to-day living, it’s easy to forget yourself and speak out of emotion. Being in a labor and practicing soft-speaking and even-temper can help in everyday living, especially as it pertains to your children.

5) I get a break. Moms, you all know that feeling. “I have been jumped on, begged from, and screamed at all day long and I just need a break!” Even work can be a break. WOHM, you know what I’m talking about. Getting out of the house and being related to outside of your role as mom is rejuvenating. Being a SAHM and spending all day with kiddos can be really great–oodles of love and fun and joy; but everyone needs change every once in a while. Again, I am not belittling SAHMs, nor am I praising work outside the home. I am merely acknowledging the benefits of each. But getting away from the house and being in a different role, even if it is still care-taking, can be just the kind of change needed to keep me going.

6) It’s humbling. Holding a bowl for someone to throw up in is humbling; so is wiping up pee, holding up a leg, repetitively rubbing someone’s feet, being a leaning-post, or any number of other things I’ve done in the past as a doula. Changing diapers, wiping sticky banana hands, and helping your toddler and preschooler clean up the mess again–these are also humbling. In practicing humility, I place myself in a position to better serve my children. And not in a “doormat” way of serving, but a loving, caring, reciprocal sort of servitude. Genuine servitude and humility.

7) It makes me happy. Yes, back to that euphoria. Being a happy mama makes me a better mama. Not to say that my ability to rear children is contingent upon my happiness, as mothers must always give up their own happiness for the good of their children (when a choice must be made, that is; I don’t intent to imply that caring for children must equate to a mother giving up her happiness). Nor am I saying that “happiness”–that fleeting, superficial feeling–is everything. But being in a good mood does help. After battling depression, I know what kind of affect mood can have on parenting. A happy mama is a more patient, loving, joyful, caring, even-tempered mama. And happiness does not need to depend on outer circumstances; rather, true happiness, stemming from joy, is rooted in our perception of our circumstances. And putting yourself in a position to take step back, practice patience, be in a humble state of service, and maintaining a calm temperament, all brings us closer to that joy… which leads to better parenting all around.

Homeschooling Options October 18, 2011

While I’d like to say that I’ve researched homeschooling options enough to provide resources, reviews, and suggestions for other parents, I’m sorry to say this post is not that kind of post. Rather, it’s my way of working through the various homeschooling options I am considering and figuring out exactly what I want to do. Of course, that may change as my children grow and change. So here are my initial thoughts on various methods:

1) Creative, Art-based, Life-Skills Methods. This would be somewhat like Waldorf and Montessori, in that it teaches not only the “basics” but also focuses on life skills such as cooking and sewing, and utilizes math, science, and language skills in those life skills. For instance, rather than working a problem out of a book, actually measuring a square, or using addition, subtraction, etc. in grocery shopping to compare prices and keep to the budget. Or, explaining why cookies need baking powder, or how oil and vinegar don’t mix. Things like that. It’s practical, it’s useful, and it much more fun than reading out of a book. I appreciate the creativity and practicality of these teaching methods, and I believe they would work well for my “dreamer” daughter. My concern is that there would be a lack of discipline, and a hard transition to traditional schooling, should my child go on to college/university.

2) Traditional Worksheet-and-Book Curricula. This would be the “typical” homeschool packages that are found all over the place: Bob Jones, Abeka, Saxon, and so on. They are easy in that they have the set order of how and when and why, and they can be very easy for parent and child to follow. My concern is the lack of practical application (knowledge stays on the worksheets), and creativity. There is also the lack of flexibility to allow for various learning styles (worksheets may not work well for kinetic or tactile learners).

3) High Academic Self-Study Programs. This would be like the Robinson Curriculum, or even slightly the Charlotte Mason Series (though CM leans a little more on the creative/flexible end of the spectrum). I like the idea of good discipline, of children teaching themselves and developing skills to be self-starters, to work things out on their own, and to have a higher “bar” to attain. My concerns are much the same as the second option (traditional/worksheets), in that there is not much room for various learning styles, not a lot of creativity or arts involved, and most of the information is conveyed in books, not in real-life applications.

4) Buffet-Style. This would be something of my own creation which would implement the aspects that I admire most of each curriculum. I’m leaning in this direction, but I am not quite sure how to do this. Do I purchase an entire curriculum and just take from it what I need? That’s an awful lot of money if I want to use multiple curricula. Or do I purchase only one “package” and improvise the rest? And how do I make those multiple methods work together? How do I ensure that they don’t conflict or send mixed messages?

This is the struggle I’m having and I hope that I can figure something out at least before Leah enters kindergarten.

Any advice or experiences would of course be welcome from my readers (yes, all three of you!).

 

Change is Good September 30, 2011

So many changes since my last post!

We’ve moved, which is HUGE. Since we were married, we have NEVER had a place of our own. Never. We had roommates, then lived with my parents, then Mitch’s parents… But now we have our own place! And the girls are loving it. We’re loving it. It’s the little things like, deciding where things go in the kitchen, being able to clean with whatever cleaning product I want (and not having to suffer through the fumes of other cleaning products), and choosing which movie to watch without wondering if the in-laws will want to watch it. Things that aren’t such a big deal, but when you have that option, it’s very freeing.

Leah is now three years old. She is still potty-training, and she’s still fighting against it. She regularly tells me she wants to wear diapers, she doesn’t want to use the potty, and she doesn’t care if her panties are wet. I am at a loss here. I know all the PTing books say, “Wait until she’s ready”, “Don’t force it”, and “She has to want it”, but really? Three years old and not even NEAR wanting to use the potty? It’s extremely frustrating. Gross as this may sound, I assume that if you’re reading this you’re already a parent and won’t be too weirded out when I say that her *ahem* waste products… literally do not fit in her diapers. Her “stuff” is too big for her diapers. She NEEDS to use the potty. But I can’t force her. It’s something only she can control. And she knows it. *sigh*

Leah has also started preschool. She loves it. We’ve mostly just done a few coloring/activity pages and made a couple of crafts, but she’s loving every moment of it. We also did some ASL/Spanish (combo) flashcards today, which was fun for her. I think I need some more ideas on how to engage her in activities and teach her how to follow directions. And teaching the manipulation skills, like using scissors, how to hold a writing utensil, etc. But I know those will come in time with a lot more practice. I think I’m just not very organized right now (imagine that!), and I’m not sure where I’m headed. I’m just using what we have and taking it one day at a time. I think the hard part is not having the funds to buy craft supplies and tools, to go very many places (gas ain’t cheap!) or to buy manipulatives. I’m going to need some major creativity to figure out how to teach her those key skills without being able to just buy whatever is needed. Ideas? Anyone?

Anna is now walking, and I can see how much more she comprehends at this age. She’s not saying many words, but she definitely understands quite a bit. It never ceases to amaze me how babies and toddlers learn. One day they stare at you like, “Huh? What are you talking about?” and the next it’s “Oh, yeah I totally know what you’re saying!” It’s incredible.

As for me, I’ve started a new job. I’m the Events Manager and Doula Program Manager at Wise Women Care Associates. Basically, I organize and promote any events that happen at Trillium Waterbirth Center, and I’m “in charge” (relative term, really) of all the doulas that are contracted with WWCA. It’s a new program, so I’ve also had to write up the policies & procedures manual, run orientation for the new doulas, and talk with each one about scheduling, and figure out the schedule. It’s a nice outlet for me, I can do most of my work from home (only have 2 hours a week in the office) and it does bring in a small income. I’m also going to be doing some doula work, on-call two days a week. That should bring in some income as well. However, the program is still barely getting on its feet, so we don’t have any clients yet, and it may be a while before we can get regular work from it. All in due time, right?

Well, kids are losing their patience with one another (they’ve been playing quietly in their room), so I had better sign off. I will hopefully be able to write a lot more now, and I hope to hear from you as well!

The “Why Me?” Problem July 9, 2011

There is a fine line between venting and complaining; between seeking answers and seeking pity. I’m walking that line today and wondering which side I will fall upon. Hopefully I will fall on the more positive side and not be pulled down by the griping, self-pitying, bemoaning of my flesh. But for a moment, I’m going to be brutally honest, hold back no punches, and look at my true, ugly, limited view of myself and where I am in life.

Today I found myself asking the question, “Why does it have to be so hard for me? Why must I struggle and work so hard to achieve and maintain health, while others seem to be able to eat what they like with no ill effects? Why must it be this way? Can’t I ever catch a break?”

First, it was PPD, then PCOS, then hypoglycemia, hypothyroid, and now–according to my acupuncturist’s conclusions–Hashimoto’s Disease. Granted, these conditions are all inter-related, and most likely from the same root cause, but it is quite overwhelming to be diagnosed with each of these in the course of a year. While it is a relief to know that my fatigue, weight gain, sore throats, dry skin, and hormonal irregularities are the result of a disease and not of poor choices on my part, it is also overwhelming to take all of this in and, in turn, work my way through treatment. And in a moment of crude honesty, I must admit–the natural course of treatment is harder and takes longer, though it will have a better outcome in the end. But it can be frustrating to want that “quick fix” and know that that fix comes at a price–that price being my future health and well-being.

And then there are days when I want to quit altogether. I spent a week at a family reunion where gluten-free foods were scarce. I also dropped out of the habit of taking all my supplements, which I’m still struggling to regain now that I’m home again. I “cheated” while I was at the reunion, and I certainly felt the after-effects.

First, the gluten-laden pasta I ate tasted horrible. My mouth felt sticky and it had no flavor. It was just starch. Same with the apple crumble. All the pastry in it just tasted like starch. My taste buds have changed. Some of the cookies and sweets I had were okay, but they weren’t all that spectacular to begin with (before I went gluten-free). Still I kept eating them simply because they were there. It’s a sad thing, really.

Next, by my second night away from home, I was already having digestive problems. I typically do have little “upsets” when I travel, but this was especially bad. I had cramping, aching, and a few other digestive troubles that I would rather not mention here. I knew that would happen, but I still ate gluten and I definitely paid the price. I was quickly reminded why I should avoid gluten.

And finally, my daughter was affected. Anna’s eczema came back with a vengeance, and she had much more gas than normal. She didn’t have a great deal of gluten herself, but the gluten I had was passed through the breastmilk.

I know what is best for me, and I definitely don’t want to go back to how things were before I began this journey. But sometimes I wonder, “Why me?” Why must I struggle through this? Why must I eat different than anyone else? Why must I spend money on supplements, acupuncture, and other natural treatments? They work–I know they do–so I will not give those up; but why should I have to in the first place?

I guess it’s the never-ending question, “Why me?”. And the inevitable answer is… “It just happens.” Like the children who get cancer, those born with learning disabilities, those born with congenital defects… It’s just something that some people get, and others don’t. We’re each given a measure of difficulty in our lives and we can either wallow in self-pity, continuing the misery, or we can pull ourselves out of that mindset and do the best we can to overcome those difficulties. If I choose the former, I’ll be worse off than when I started; If I choose the latter, it will be a hard road with many bumps, twists, turns, and potholes. But in the end, the latter will have the greater reward. It’s not even a question, then, is it? Be miserable, or struggle for a time and reap incredible rewards? I think I’ll choose the latter.

Treating PPD and PCOS naturally May 26, 2011

I am on a mommy message board (the name of which I must withhold for legal reasons), and in my “signature” I have a note that I am treating Post-Partum Depression (PPD) and Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) naturally. Because of this, I have many women passing me a “note”, asking me how I do it? And how’s it going? So to provide those answers (without typing them out a dozen times individually to those people), I’ve decided to post those things here for easy reference.

Before I explain what I am doing to treat these conditions, I’ll briefly explain what they entail and what they look like for me personally (as they can vary by person).

Postpartum Depression is a condition of severe anxiety, irritability, depression, and mood swings, caused by a hormonal imbalance occurring after childbirth. Symptoms do not always appear right away (PPD can be diagnosed up to a year after the woman gives birth), and may be different for each mother. One mother may have a lack of interest and lack of appetite while another is extremely anxious/panicked and eats uncontrollably. For me, I was weepy, anxious, irritable, and had severe mood swings.

Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome is a condition that is so vastly different in each patient that it can go undiagnosed for years (as it did for me). It is also a hormonal imbalance, accompanied by a blood glucose and insulin imbalance. Though it can be a “chicken or the egg” conundrum to point out exactly what causes PCOS, and though symptoms may range from hypoglycemia to obesity to excess hair and even to infertility–and vary from woman to woman–the treatment is typically the same. Treatment includes addressing the issue of blood sugar, a weight loss program, and balancing hormones. For me, I experienced unexplained weight gain (and extreme difficulty losing weight) hypoglycemia, excess hair, coarse hair, and painful ovulation.

So how do I cope with these conditions?

For PPD, I spoke to my midwife and she confirmed to me that I was, in fact, experiencing PPD. She suggested a higher-fat diet. Fats are important for neurological function. They line the myelin sheaths which protect and insulate nerves. If our bodies do not have fat, these sheaths are depleted and nerves can “short” and create misfires. Another suggestion given me was to practice deep breathing when I am feeling anxious. In addition to this breathing, I also inhale specific essential oils for aromatherapy. Namely, I use Lavender (for anxiety and nervousness), Lemon (for weepiness), and Peppermint (for a “fuzzy” mind). I have had great success with all of these things and highly recommend them to anyone experiencing depression, whether postpartum or otherwise.

One last thing I did to help with this imbalance was take placenta capsules. These have recently become controversial, but I want to encourage moms to get past the “weird” or “ick” factor and look at the benefits. There are many benefits even outside of treating PPD, including increased milk production, higher energy, lower risk of anemia, and better healing after the birth. I can’t stress enough how wonderful these have been for me.

PCOS is something that my mom and I had suspected for quite some time. Allow me to take a moment to share part of that journey, as I believe it’s important to take note of how I came to the diagnosis (since diagnoses can be hard to come by when there is no infertility). When I was about eight years old, I gained a great deal of weight with no explanation. I was active, did not eat unhealthily, and had been rather slender up to that point. My mom thought it was a little “growing/baby fat”, and hoped I would just stretch out and slim down. But I remained overweight, no matter what we did–no matter how active I was or how much I watched what I ate. We gave up for a while, testing my hormones once in high school for good measure, but we had no answers. After I was grown (and had experienced painful ovulation, excess hair, insomnia, and other symptoms), my mom saw a TV program that discussed medical mysteries. They told the story of a woman with PCOS, and my mom was immediately convinced that’s what I had. Still, no doctor would diagnose it. And when I got pregnant–twice–with no trouble at all, we dismissed it and left it a mystery.

Then, after I moved to Oregon, I went to see my new Family Doctor. She is in an Integrative practice, and when I talked to her about my PPD, she wanted to refer me to the hormone specialist in the same practice. After just one blood test and a thorough health history, this hormone specialist diagnosed me with Marginal PCOS (“marginal” because it had not yet affected my fertility).

This is where the treatment comes in…

The Integrative approach to medicine is combining allopathic (mainstream) and alternative medicines to treat the whole person. This includes lifestyle changes, supplements, and natural alternatives to modern prescriptions. Her recommendation began with a detox diet, and included a low-glycemic index diet, sugar-balancing supplements, moderate exercise, and a natural hormone supplement.

When I received these instructions, I followed them and immediately saw results on the scale and in my daily life. But I wanted a bit more. So I asked my circle of friends–midwives, nutritionists, an acupuncturist, and more–what they recommended. I took the next step and took out parts of my diet that may have artificial hormones, such as dairy, “cheap” meat, etc. And I also took out the things that might be hurting my gut, causing digestive problems, such as gluten, processed foods, and cheap (artificial and chemical-laden) vitamin/mineral supplements. Then I saw even more–and even larger–changes on the scale and in my daily life.

And the final cherry to top this sundae was the acupuncture I began to receive. The acupuncturist I am now seeing is also a nutritionist, giving me a very holistic look at this condition. She also had PCOS previously, so she knows exactly where I’m coming from. The therapy I’ve received (and will continue to receive) has been wonderful! I feel more energized, less volatile/moody, and just better in general. I can see real changes in my body (some too personal to mention here–you’ll have to take my word for it!), my sleep, and in my mood. It truly has been worth every penny to see her.

Well, that is it. That is all I am doing to conquer these conditions. And I think I’m winning! To date, I have lost 22 pounds, I find myself enjoying life more, having more patience with my family, sleeping better, and feeling better all around. I am hopeful and excited for the future. That’s something I haven’t been able to say in truth for a very long time.

 

Update, 11/8/11:

To date, I have lost 32 pounds. I still struggle to get down to a healthier weight, but I am still pressing towards that goal.

For financial reasons, I have had to stop seeing my acupuncturist, and I miss it dearly. I can definitely feel the difference. I am continuing with the dietary restrictions as much as possible (as is available to me).

I have been asked which specific supplements I am taking/have taken. I mentioned above (and provided a link to) the progesterone cream that my doctor suggested for me. It is all natural, derived from yams, and is very effective. I also take chromium, which helps to balance blood sugar. Fish Oil Butter (yes, I know it sounds gross) is one of the best ways (in that it’s easy to absorb and utilize) vitamins A and D, which are important for hormone health and for weight management. It also provides essential fatty acids, which are important for mental health, digestion, skin health, and much more. Magnesium was suggested to me by my acupuncturist/nutritionist for specific symptoms I had (particular food cravings and digestive upsets). Probiotics are also good for all around health and wellness. I take them in a variety of forms. My nutritionist has a pre- and pro-biotic blend that is very very good for gut health. I also eat (daily, if I have it) fresh, raw, lacto-fermented kraut or veggies (website). These freshly-grown probiotics are extremely good for all around health, and many have lost weight with the implementation of these foods in their daily diet. It’s important to note that the health benefits come from the kraut being raw, live/active, and lactofermented (rather than flash-steamed or vinegar-soaked, as the store-bought brands do). As a “last resort”, I keep some over-the-counter probiotics on hand just in case I run out of the other two options, which are preferred.

That is the update for now, and I hope I answered everyone’s questions!